i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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