dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
