im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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