you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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