k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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