me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We had to coat check the pizza.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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