I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize