your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I looked at my own cervix.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
