Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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