I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
