I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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