I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Michael Bay diarrhea
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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