My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She said her name was "party"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We don't watch enough power rangers
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
