he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
3pm strippers are depressing
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
