my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
