at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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