I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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