I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
