She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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