I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
