i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
