can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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