My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
