I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
