Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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