So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
