I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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