Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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