I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
