Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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