Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Your penis caused this!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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