I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
