Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize