This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
