Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
