paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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