First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
