I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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