Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
