New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
