when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
