he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
