I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
