She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
