you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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