I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize