so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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