I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
