I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
