You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
