12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
