...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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