holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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