So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
